Sacrilegious Valentines

Post Valentine's Day Piece, written a year ago yesterday.

Another holiday, over. I celebrated the second it struck Midnight, and twas officially February 14th.

In my kitchen, in a black satin nightgown, all decked out for the date ahead of me, I made another cup of coffee, and ate some chocolates from a red velvet-covered, heart-shaped box.

Mentally preparing myself for the evening -- my aforementioned 'date', with the idea and image of a certain group of actors -- to watch the last new-to-me Marx Brothers movie I'd ever watch!

The last title needed to finish their filmography? A NIGHT IN CASABLANCA.

It makes me sad to have their checklist completed before the obsession is even over, but really, the Brothers didn't make that many movies!

And I saw half of 'em last year, during my more casual infatuation. So I've been postponing this one title, and the other day realized, I could at least correlate its viewing with another special occasion, thus making Valentine's Day AND my last Marx Brothers movie all the more fun!

So that's what I did, Scientist.

An event.

Midnight, saucy nightgown, Casablanca on my mind...

But before I could scamper off to the bedroom, I had to preform my motherly job of outwitting prefabricated Valentine cards for my daughter's classmates.

So I climbed atop the kitchen counter, and stretched out where the microwave used to be -- I finally threw it overboard this past weekend, not having used it since last July! Not only because eating and drinking food and liquid heated in a microwave is bad for your body, possibly causing cancer, it's bad for the mind: increasing the instances and severity of bipolar-related manic episodes.

That latter is my own personal theory, so don't steal it, Scientist. ;)

Embarking on the quest to tear these cutesy cards from one another's grasp via the perforated lines, I stopped, and felt cheated by Walmart, SweeTarts (the bag of candy included in the box), and St. Valentine's Day in general:

Why the HELL do they say, 'God made us friends'?!



Well, fine, I decide, I just won't use the cards with the Puppy and Kitten on them. The other cards aren't creepy, or religious. -- Or are they??

I flip the damn cards over, and sure enough, they're all infested!

God is Love?? On a Valentine's Day card?! I know it's a ridiculous, pink-soaked, money-driven holiday where men are guilted into buying women junk they don't need, flowers that will die, chocolates to make us fat (or fatter), diamonds you could find in the mud (if you look hard enough; in a certain state) but can't we leave religion out of it? -- Is nothing sacred?!

I find the box to these preachy little cards, and sure enough, there's not one mention anywhere on the packaging to give the buyer a single clue as to the Bible-verse laden nonsense sold inside.

I felt I was fixing to hand out propaganda material.

'God made us friends'?? As if he forced us to be friends??

Poppycock! Here's my idea of romance:

Ha. And assuming God does exist, why would he go around pairing up first-graders for the sake of companionship?? As if he has nothing better to do.

Despite realizing my daughter's cards would probably be welcomed, and well-loved, in this super-religious community, I had the ever-present fret of doing the children a disservice...so again I edited the cards for the kid's own future benefit.*

Love IS Love. And on Valentine's Day, Love is store-bought. But if you believe God is Love, then God is store-bought. And the man that shelled out a hundred and eighty bucks to take a girl out to dinner and dancing last night, and then wanted sex, as a form of repayment, is no longer her lover, but her Godder, and what does that make the girl, if she felt, due to presents, and money-spent, she had to comply?

No, not a scientist...a post Valentine's Day prostitute.**

There; thanks to my Billy Halop kitten, and my above theory (also not to be stolen) I've spread the warmth of a holiday, one day too late! ;)

As for A NIGHT IN CASABLANCA: it was a great way to end my Marx Bros filmography.

Now I'll concentrate on their books, music, radio and TV shows. Plus references made to the Marx Bros, in other films. Like today, on TCM, I'm recording HANNAH AND HER SISTERS. I hear DUCK SOUP gives Woody Allen a reason to live?

That's why I'm stuck on ANIMAL CRACKERS right now.

-- So hence the advice.

I may find no comfort in reading Bible verses, but Chico's explanation of the house next door, the stolen painting, and the left-handed moths is enough to keep me going. The thought of ever writing something that damn brilliant, gives me hope.

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* I didn't really edit my daughter's Valentine's Day cards. I just edited two of them, for you, Love.

** I don't really think anyone's a prostitute...except real prostitutes.

Now have a Happy (non-religious, non-holiday) Tuesday! And remember:

I God you. ;)

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Above text written Tuesday, February 15th, 2011. Below: Written right now!

I've always wanted to post this piece to denote the unofficial end of my second (but first full-blown) Marx Bros Obsession. Plus, the Billy Halop/John Garfield card is a favorite of my daughter's; it's hanging in my office, or was, before we moved. Now it's boxed up somewhere.

Want to come help me unpack??

I would also like to note: Considering this story is a year old, obviously, my excessive use of the word 'scientist' is just for silliness, and completely unrelated to my recent trend of referring to fellow blogger and MB lover Matthew Coniam -- of HERE, HERE and HERE (among others) -- as the Marx Bros Scientist.

And, also: I never watched HANNAH AND HER SISTERS. -- Is there a DUCK SOUP reference?? I couldn't get myself into a Woody Allen mood before the full-blown MB obsession officially ended the following month, on Chico's birthday.

You wanted to know all this, didn't you? ;)

Get away from the train tracks, Billy Halop! John Garfield is coming to save you...

"Meow, Meow."

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