My Soul is not a Billboard...

Nor is my blog; nor body. Though maybe they should be.

Last night, I came to my office, despite feeling sick, and was gonna write a piece or post something, anyway, but then I checked my email, and right there on top of the pile, was a letter from some chick -- Subject line: Weird Request -- asking if she could please send me a gift card to her online jewelry store; I could have free jewelry! And all I had to do (ah, here's the catch) is review her precious little jewelry and jewelry store on my blog.

Oh, you mean my classic FILM blog??

-- Don't be fooled by the long rants of death, religion, and delicate metaphors using the Dead End Kids as the physical manifestation of my lost faith, and creative-wise, as my own personal angels of death; this is still a film blog. ;)

So immediately, I was offended, but thought briefly of responding:

Sure, I'll review your jewelry! And provide a link to your website on my blog; all you gotta do is write a two-thousand-word essay, entitled, My Favorite Dead End Kid and Why.

Ha.

I'm sure she'd love that. The chiseler.

She can keep her crappy mass-produced jewelry and advertise her site the hard way.

You think I send out a bunch of form letters to every one who mentions the words 'classic film' or 'old movies' on their blog??

-- "Hey, come look at Asleep in New York! It's really great! I'm a boring jackass!"

I mean, that's obviously all she did; I used the word 'jewelry' in my Ash Wednesday piece, and she saw that, and read nothing more, and sent me a God damn form letter.

"Ha, ha," thought the chiseler, "I'll get this naive blogger to peddle my jewelry."

Peddle it yourself, Chiseler. I sell out to no one.

...

The only way I'd ever advertise on this blog, is if I found something I truly loved and wanted to share it.

Like every time one of us writes a piece about how great TCM is, or how they're gonna be showing this movie, or that movie: we're really just generating more attention for TCM, thus earning more money for Ted Turner, and the like.

And that's fine by me. I love TCM! Without it, I wouldn't have such an extensive collection of Classic Film and Old Movies in my home video library, or as I like to call it, my 'Thanks, TCM! These tapes are no longer blank' collection. ;)

...

Other Products I would Happily Advertise:

• Campbell's Tomato Soup
• Fender instruments
• Modest Mouse in general
• Green-tinted, gregg-ruled, spiral-bound stenographer notebooks, or 'Steno Books', as Ampad likes to call them.

"Hi, this is Ginger Ingenue. And when I want to write a mediocre poem, or a bit of fluff about the Dead End Kids, I always reach for my Green-tinted, gregg-ruled, spiral-bound Ampad Steno Book. "

And what better companion for my Steno Book, than a delicious, chewy-capped BIC ink pen!

I always joke, if I become a famous writer, that's the one product I'm gonna insist on advertising! I LOVE BIC Ink Pens. I adore BIC ink pens. If I could properly marry a BIC Ink Pen without injuring myself, or contracting some strange 'Ink poison', I would do so happily, if not legally or sanely.

And did you know they changed my precious BIC ink pens?!

No kidding!

I'm heartbroken.

Now every time I go to Walmart or The Dollar Store, I look on the office supply aisle, hoping I can still find a package of those wonderful, heaven-sent 'White Pens with the black chewy caps'...

I believe their technical name, is the BIC Round Stic medium number ten -- black ink, only, though; blue ink drives me crazy!

I think I must have replaced my love of smoking (quit six-and-a-half years now!) with chewing on those caps.

After all, an oral fixation mustn't go unfixed. ;)

So yeah, BIC replaced the white-and-black pens with 'A new look!' and they're ugly, and I hate them, and their caps aren't as chewy!

Could probably find some of my beloved White Pen/Black Cap ones over at eBay...From whence I've just returned!

[Clever segue, Ginger]

Was looking for a bootleg dvd copy of OFF THE RECORD -- 'cause TCM ain't showing it anytime soon! [rimshot]

(Sigh) But all I found were a bunch of naked photos of Joan Blondell.

I'd like to take a moment, and address the general population of Everywhere, by stating, ON the record...

I DO NOT EVER NEED TO SEE JOAN BLONDELL TOPLESS AGAIN!

Oy.

It's like eating a big meal, late at night; when you wake up in the morning, "Strange," you think, "I'm not at all hungry for breakfast."

Enough toplessness to last me a lifetime!

...

Checked a few other new-to-me blogs before I started writing this piece; some chick posted a bunch of saucy pictures of herself, looking lost in thought, in that inept sort of way. "Oh, I'm so deep...I don a crocheted 'vintage-style' skull-cap, and I love baby owls. I'm majoring in philosophy to impress my boyfriend. I go out once a week with my girlfriends, so we can drink martinis and discuss Grey's Anatomy. Then I go home, drink, and search Blogger for the word 'jewelry', and send form letters to boring, uninteresting, and only formerly-attractive nutcases."

Would probably do me a world of good, though, to tone down the death and religion stuff, huh?

I could post half-naked pictures of myself.
Get some free jewelry. ;)

I do get slightly jealous, though -- this is serious Ginger again, by the way...wearing a monocle, and writing with a quill! -- I mean, I'm slightly young. And feminine. Yet I don't really feel like it, or act like it. To get a hundred plus comments, on a blog piece, simply by posting photographs of yourself, looking disinterested, and slightly imbued with angst -- I like to think their heads are actually filled with old school muzak from the Weather Channel! But what do I know? -- is sort of travesty, isn't it?

"No!"

Okay, so it's one way to get ahead.

Of course, it's also a good way to endear yourself to stalkers. ;)

And once your blog is SO freakin' popular, then what??

[crickets chirping]

I mean, I just passed the 'One Hundred Followers' Mark, and you think it phases me?

No.

-- And by 'No', I mean 'Only slightly'.

What phases ME, is when I do a good job. When I meet a new friend. When I feel like I've made some sort of connection with a person out here who loves the same things I do, or thinks, or feels a similar way. Or when I can soive a poipose. Solve a moider! Wash yoi doity socks. Make you some Campbell's Tomato soup, and stoi it.

I slightly forgot where I was going with all this. ;)

No, I'm not drinking tonight.

Just feeling a bit feverish, and sick.

In a good mood, though! Obviously.

And I'd much rather be sick and happy, than well and depressed.

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If you just read this entire thing, congratulations! You win a free piece of jewelry! All you gotta do to claim it, is write a two-thousand word essay, entitled, My Favorite Dead End Kid and Why. ;)

Just don't get mad if your free jewelry is actually a string of yarn and some fruit-loops.

After all, I'm running a blog here, not a business! No one pays me for this. ;)

Nor will I EVER accept any money.

Chiselers: take note.

The rest of you: please send more ibuprofen; some tomato soup. Oh, and a bootleg dvd copy of OFF THE RECORD, if you have it! ;)

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